Advanced Motorists Worcestershire

Worcestershire Group of Advanced Motorists

Motoring Jokes & Prose

The following have been composed, with help from members of the IAM Forum, mainly for the use when giving talks on driving, but anyone is welcome to browse for their own amusement.

Click a joke/prose theme or scroll down to view jokes - latest are indicated by #

Themes index:

Accident: Some people drive as if they were anxious to get all their accidents over and done with quickly ^*^*

Alarm: "I heard Fred gave you a lift yesterday. What's his driving like?"
"He had a little sticker on the window saying 'This car is alarmed' "
"I wasn't alarmed - I was terrified!"

Austin 7: An Austin 7 broke down and a Rolls Royce driver stopped and offered help. Unable to start it, they agreed he would tow it to a garage. All went well until they were overtaken by a Bentley. The Rolls driver was not used to that, so he increased speed - 30 - 40 - 50 - 60 - 70 - 80 - 90. The Austin driver was so frightened he started to sound his horn, and weave from side to side. They passed so close to a cyclist that his braces were caught on the door handle of the Austin, and he was dragged along behind, so started shouting Just then they passed an AA Patrol, who looked in astonishment, then radioed to his control: "I've just been passed by a Bentley doing at least 95, followed by a Rolls, then closely followed by an old Austin 7, hooting to pass, followed by a shouting cyclist who is trying to overtake!"

Bleep: Whilst driving a tour bus I was asked by an American tourist: "Why do your pedestrian crossings make bleeping noises?" I said, "So that blind people know when the lights change" "Gee!" he exclaimed, we don't let blind people drive in my country!"

Canardly: My Dad's car is a Rolls Canardly. Never heard of it - what's it like? Rolls down hills but can 'ardly get up the next!

Chicken: Driving along the motorway the other day at 70mph I saw in my mirrors a large chicken approaching from behind, then running alongside the car. I noticed that it had three legs. It kept up the pace, so I accelerated to 80, then 90, but the chicken was overtaking me. Being totally amazed, I kept it in sight and saw it leave by the next exit, so I followed out of curiosity. Down the country lanes it went at a frightening speed, eventually entering a farmyard where there were hundreds of similar three legged chickens running around. I stopped the car and gazed in amazement.
The farmer came across and said "Can I help you?"
I said "I've just been overtaken by one of these on the motorway at over 90 mph"
Aye" he said "they do that".
"Amazing" I said "are they good to eat?"
"I've no idea" he said, "I've never managed to catch one!"

Compliment: You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Country: "How about coming for a drive in the country?" "Will there be any hugging and kissing?"
"Certainly not." "Well, what are we going for then?" ^*

Cross: Two Nuns were travelling in Transylvania when a vampire jumped out and stood in front, forcing them to stop. The passenger said to the driver "Show him your Cross" indicating her necklace. However, the driver jumped out, waved her fist at the vampire and said: "You stupid fool, you nearly killed us all. I'm really angry and have a good mind to give you a good thrashing!"

Drunk1: A drunk walking down a country lane comes across a man working under the bonnet of a car. "Having shome trouble?" he slurs. "Yes" was the reply. Piston broke!" "Show am I" mutters the drunk as he wanders off.

Drunk2: A police officer is watching a pub for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in it takes him another five minutes to get the key into the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else leaves and drives off. When he finally pulls away the officer stops him and gives a breath test. However, the test is completely negative, so the officer says, "What's going on?" The man says: "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"

Duck: A man buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee and goes duck hunting with his dog and a friend. They drove onto a frozen lake and want to make a landing area for the ducks and decoys to float. One lit a 40 second fuse on a stick of dynamite and sensibly threw it well away from the vehicle. However, the highly trained retriever dog runs after, catches it mid-air, and starts to return. The two men panic, yell scream, wave arms and wonder what to do next. However the dog, encouraged by the cheers, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog, but the shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot hardly big enough to stop the Labrador. The dog stops, confused but then continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing becomes really confused and, of course scared. Thinking the men have gone insane, with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite, he takes cover under the under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole leaving the men with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. To make matters even worse, the insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered!

Excuse: A police officer stopped a car on the motorway and said, "You were doing 120mph. However, as I'm due to go off duty and don't want the paperwork, if you think of an original excuse I will let you off." The driver thought for a few moments. then said: "My wife has run off with a policeman. When I saw you behind I thought he was trying to give her back, so I drove faster."

Fast: Passenger: "Slow down - you're driving too fast! You wouldn't go like this if you were taking a driving test, would you?." Driver: "When I take a test I'll let you know." ^*

Four-wheel: Having a 4-wheel drive means you get stuck in more inaccessible places. ^*^*

Horn Warning: Sign in hire care, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Horse: A car broke down in the countryside and the driver was looking under the bonnet to see if if he could find anything wrong when a white horse in a field looked over the fence and said: "It's the carburettor." The man looked around but could not see anyone, so continued looking for the fault. "The float has stuck" said the white horse. The man looked aroungd again but could still not see his advisor. "Try tapping the float chamber to release the stuck float" said the horse. The man did so and the car started, but before he left he asked who had given the advice - "it was me" said the horse. The man grateful for the assistance, gave the horse some sugar lumps and drove to the pub, shaken by his experience. The barman did not seem surprised by the tale but asked the colour of the horse. "White" said the man. "That was lucky" said the barman, "as the brown horse knows nothing about cars."

If everyone:
If everyone who drives a car could lie a month in bed
With broken bones and stitched up wounds, or fractures to the head
And there endure the agonies that many people do
They'd never need to preach safety any more to me or you
If everyone could stand beside the bed of some close friend
And hear the doctor say "No hope" before the fatal end
And see him there unconscious, never knowing what took place
The laws and rules of traffic, I'm sure, we'd soon embrace
If everyone could meet the family of the man who's gone
And step into the darkened room where once the sunlight shone
And look upon the vacant chair where daddy used to sit
I'm sure each reckless driver would be forced to think a bit
If everyone would realise pedestrians on the street
Have right of way as much as those upon the driving seat
And train their eyes for children who run recklessly at play
This steady toll of human lives would drop from day to day
If everyone would check his car before he takes a trip
For tyres worn, loose steering wheel and brakes that fail to grip
And pay attention to his light while driving roads at night
Another score for safety could be chalked up in the fight
If everyone who drives a car would heed the danger signs
Place by the highway engineers, who also marked the lines
To keep the traffic in the lane, and give it proper space
The accidents we read about would not have taken place
And last, if he who takes the wheel would say a little prayer
And keep in mind those in the car depending on his care
And make a vow and pledge himself to never take a chance
The great crusade for safety then would suddenly advance
( Origin uncertain)

Jump: A set of jump leads walks in to pub and orders a drink....The barman says OK I'll serve you but don't start anything!

Knitting: The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, wound down his window and said: Pull over!" "No" she replied "They're socks"

Liar: The police stopped a car being driven away from a pub. The driver said: "before you start, you need to know I don't have a driving licence, and there's a gun in the glove pocket." The policeman took a step back and the driver then said: "and my wife's body is in the boot." The policeman ran back to his car and returned with his Sergeant who said: "Now what's going on? My officer says you don't have a licence." "Yes I do" said the driver and produced his licence. "Have you a gun in the glove pocket?" "Certainly not" said the driver, showing an empty space "And what about your wife's body in the boot?" asked the Sergeant. "See for yourself" said the driver opening an empty boot, "and I suppose he also told you I have been drinking?"

Lift1: "Hello beautiful! Can I give you a lift?" "Are you going North?" "Yes, I am." "Well, give my love to the Eskimos." ^*

Lift2: So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Lines: What is the meaning of a yellow Line? No parking
What is the meaning of a double yellow Line? No parking at all.
What is the meaning of a red Line? No parking at all, at all.

Low Bridge:A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles; finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver puts his hands on his hips and says Got stuck, huh?" - The truck driver says "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

M25: Police stopped a car doing 25mph in lane 3 of the fast-flowing M25 and asked if there was a problem. The elderly lady driver said "No - it's labelled M25 so I am doing 25!" They then saw in the rear seat another lady apparently frozen in fear and asked if she was ill. The driver responded "No, but I've just been on the B124 when she went like that"

Making a breakfast: A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Microsoft: If Microsoft made cars....
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
2. Occasionally your car would stop on the motorway for no reason and you would just accept this, re-start and drive on.
3. When executing a manoeuvre, your car would occasionally stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5% of the roads
6. Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make them run much slower.
7. The oil, fuel & alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general fault" light
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size behind
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash you would have no idea of what happened.

Motorway: A man was driving on the motorway when his wife rang him on his mobile phone. "Have you heard on the radio about the man who is driving the wrong way on the motorway?" She asked. "One man? There are hundreds" he replied.

Police Stop and Mud: Instructions on Japanese driving rules -
At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him, otherwise disrespect him, Do not explosion the exhaust pipe. Avoid entanglement with your wheel spoke. Go soothingly on the grease mud as there lurks a skid demon.

Repairs: "I've had this car for over a year and I haven't paid a penny for repairs since the day I bought it." "So the man at the garage was telling me." ^*

Right-of-way: Here lies the body of old John Gray
Who died defending his right-of-way,
He was right - dead right - as he rolled along,
But now he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong

Rusty: When you sold me this car you told me it was rust-free. Well, we didn't charge you for the rust, did we? ^*

Sign: Car sticker: This car may be old, but it's paid for and in front of you. ^*^*

Shot: A man parked his car next to another in which was sitting a woman, with her eyes closed and with hands behind her head, apparently asleep. When the man came back a while later he again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes now open. She looked very strange, so the man tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" She answered, "Help me, I've been shot in the head and I am holding my brains in." The man ran to a shop and called the Paramedics, who had to break into the car because the door as locked. When they got to her they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and, in her hands a bread making canister. Apparently it had exploded from the heat in the car with a loud bang, like a gunshot, so the woman jumped and hit her head. When she reached back, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her "brains" in!

Speedy youth: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," - the cop said. The kid replied- "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Taxi: It was the country yokel's first visit to the town. Following advice, he took a taxi from the railway station to his destination. He'd never been in a taxi before, let alone this grand Mercedes.
He was astounded by the grandeur of the buildings, the volume of traffic, and the great number of people on the streets. Adjusting to his surroundings, he looked around inside the taxi and noticed a box with illuminated numbers on the dashboard. "Excuse me" he said to the driver.
"What's that box on the dashboard for?" The driver replied, "That's the taxi meter. It tells me how much to charge you at the end of the journey". "That's wonderful, said the yokel.
A few minutes later, a muffled voice appeared from somewhere near the driver, who then picked up something with his hand and talked back. "What on earth was that - is there someone hiding in the car?" asked the yokel. "No" said the driver, becoming irritated.
It's a radio, the guy in the office can tell me where to pick up the next passenger."
"That's quite fantastic" said the yokel, "I've never seen such a wonderful thing before."
He settled down for a few minutes before noticing the three-pointed star on the bonnet of the taxi.
"What's that circle with the three lines for on the bonnet?" he asked. Now thoroughly annoyed, the driver said: "That's a bit like a gunsight. If I look through it I can line the car up with any pedestrian who gets in my way and simply knock them off the road. Look, I'll show you."
An elderly lady was then crossing the road ahead of him, her arms laden with shopping.
The taxi driver dropped his head to the centre of the car, and eyed the "target" through the sight.
He revved the engine and the taxi hurled towards its target, gaining speed, but at the very last second the taxi driver swerved to avoid her, but was shocked to hear a loud "bang" as he went past the old lady. He braked hard, looked in his mirror and was distraught to see the old dear lying in the road, her shopping scattered around. "Well I don't think much of your gunsight", said the yokel. "If I hadn't opened my door you would have missed her completely".

Terror: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Tree1: A tree is something that stands in the same place for 100 years then suddenly jumps out behind a reversing car. ^*^*

Tree2: A traffic policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver, behind a reversing car. "Ma'am, why were you weaving all over the road?" Oh officer" the woman replies "Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a terrible accident. "Swerving to avoid a tree I looked up to see another tree right in front of me, so I pulled the car over to the right and there yet again was another tree in front. The copper nods then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror. "Ma'am", he says patiently, "That's your air freshener". **

Waiting: A man is waiting impatiently in a restaurant lobby for his wife to collect him after an evening dining function. He is on the verge of ordering a taxi, thinking she has forgotten to collect him when she comes through the door looking flustered. "Where are on earth have you been?" He asks "You're an hour late! "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" she replied. The good news" says he. "Well the air bag works" is her answer!

Wales: (Has to be spoken)
Q: How do you get two whales in a mini?
A: Down the M4.

Wife: A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat.
The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit"
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80" [He gives her a dirty look]
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light."
Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for weeks." [He gives her another dirty look]
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and shouts: "Shut your mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."

Acknowledgments:
1. ^*^* A Tankful of Motoring Jokes, Helen Exley. ISBN 1-85015-402-3
2. ^* The World's Best Motoring Jokes, Edward Phillips ISBN 0-2-7-16992-6. Angus & Robertson
3. Saturday Telegraph and various anonymous sources.
If you have a motoring joke you wish to share, send them to me

Accident: Some people drive as if they were anxious to get all their accidents over and done with quickly ^^
Alarm: "I heard Fred gave you a lift yesterday. What's his driving like?" "He had a little sticker on the window saying 'This car is alarmed' " "I wasn't alarmed - I was terrified!"
Austin 7: An Austin 7 broke down and a Rolls Royce driver stopped and offered help. Unable to start it, they agreed he would tow it to a garage. All went well until they were overtaken by a Bentley. The Rolls driver was not used to that, so he increased speed - 30 - 40 - 50 - 60 - 70 - 80 - 90. The Austin driver was so frightened he started to sound his horn, and weave from side to side. They passed so close to a cyclist that his braces were caught on the door handle of the Austin, and he was dragged along behind, so started shouting Just then they passed an AA Patrol, who looked in astonishment, then radioed to his control: "I've just been passed by a Bentley doing at least 95, followed by a Rolls, then closely followed by an old Austin 7, hooting to pass, followed by a shouting cyclist who is trying to overtake!"
Bleep: Whilst driving a tour bus I was asked by an American tourist: "Why do your pedestrian crossings make bleeping noises?" I said, "So that blind people know when the lights change" "Gee!" he exclaimed, we don't let blind people drive in my country!"
Canardly: My Dad's car is a Rolls Canardly. Never heard of it - what's it like? Rolls down hills but can 'ardly get up the next!
Chicken: Driving along the motorway the other day at 70mph I saw in my mirrors a large chicken approaching from behind, then running alongside the car. I noticed that it had three legs. It kept up the pace, so I accelerated to 80, then 90, but the chicken was overtaking me. Being totally amazed, I kept it in sight and saw it leave by the next exit, so I followed out of curiosity. Down the country lanes it went at a frightening speed, eventually entering a farmyard where there were hundreds of similar three legged chickens running around. I stopped the car and gazed in amazement. The farmer came across and said "Can I help you?" I said "I've just been overtaken by one of these on the motorway at over 90 mph" Aye" he said "they do that". "Amazing" I said "are they good to eat?" "I've no idea" he said, "I've never managed to catch one!"
Compliment: You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Country: "How about coming for a drive in the country?" "Will there be any hugging and kissing?" "Certainly not." "Well, what are we going for then?" ^*
Cross: Two Nuns were travelling in Transylvania when a vampire jumped out and stood in front, forcing them to stop. The passenger said to the driver "Show him your Cross" indicating her necklace. However, the driver jumped out, waved her fist at the vampire and said: "You stupid fool, you nearly killed us all. I'm really angry and have a good mind to give you a good thrashing!"
Drunk1: A drunk walking down a country lane comes across a man working under the bonnet of a car. "Having shome trouble?" he slurs. "Yes" was the reply. Piston broke!" "Show am I" mutters the drunk as he wanders off.
Drunk2: A police officer is watching a pub for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in it takes him another five minutes to get the key into the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else leaves and drives off. When he finally pulls away the officer stops him and gives a breath test. However, the test is completely negative, so the officer says, "What's going on?" The man says: "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"
Duck: A man buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee and goes duck hunting with his dog and a friend. They drove onto a frozen lake and want to make a landing area for the ducks and decoys to float. One lit a 40 second fuse on a stick of dynamite and sensibly threw it well away from the vehicle. However, the highly trained retriever dog runs after, catches it mid-air, and starts to return. The two men panic, yell scream, wave arms and wonder what to do next. However the dog, encouraged by the cheers, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog, but the shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot hardly big enough to stop the Labrador. The dog stops, confused but then continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing becomes really confused and, of course scared. Thinking the men have gone insane, with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite, he takes cover under the under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole leaving the men with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. To make matters even worse, the insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered!
Excuse: A police officer stopped a car on the motorway and said, "You were doing 120mph. However, as I'm due to go off duty and don't want the paperwork, if you think of an original excuse I will let you off." The driver thought for a few moments. then said: "My wife has run off with a policeman. When I saw you behind I thought he was trying to give her back, so I drove faster."
Fast: Passenger: "Slow down - you're driving too fast! You wouldn't go like this if you were taking a driving test, would you?." Driver: "When I take a test I'll let you know." ^*
Four-wheel: Having a 4-wheel drive means you get stuck in more inaccessible places. ^^
Horn Warning: Sign in hire care, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
Horse: A car broke down in the countryside and the driver was looking under the bonnet to see if if he could find anything wrong when a white horse in a field looked over the fence and said: "It's the carburettor." The man looked around but could not see anyone, so continued looking for the fault. "The float has stuck" said the white horse. The man looked aroungd again but could still not see his advisor. "Try tapping the float chamber to release the stuck float" said the horse. The man did so and the car started, but before he left he asked who had given the advice - "it was me" said the horse. The man grateful for the assistance, gave the horse some sugar lumps and drove to the pub, shaken by his experience. The barman did not seem surprised by the tale but asked the colour of the horse. "White" said the man. "That was lucky" said the barman, "as the brown horse knows nothing about cars."
If everyone: If everyone who drives a car could lie a month in bed With broken bones and stitched up wounds, or fractures to the head And there endure the agonies that many people do They'd never need to preach safety any more to me or you If everyone could stand beside the bed of some close friend And hear the doctor say "No hope" before the fatal end And see him there unconscious, never knowing what took place The laws and rules of traffic, I'm sure, we'd soon embrace If everyone could meet the family of the man who's gone And step into the darkened room where once the sunlight shone And look upon the vacant chair where daddy used to sit I'm sure each reckless driver would be forced to think a bit If everyone would realise pedestrians on the street Have right of way as much as those upon the driving seat And train their eyes for children who run recklessly at play This steady toll of human lives would drop from day to day If everyone would check his car before he takes a trip For tyres worn, loose steering wheel and brakes that fail to grip And pay attention to his light while driving roads at night Another score for safety could be chalked up in the fight If everyone who drives a car would heed the danger signs Place by the highway engineers, who also marked the lines To keep the traffic in the lane, and give it proper space The accidents we read about would not have taken place And last, if he who takes the wheel would say a little prayer And keep in mind those in the car depending on his care And make a vow and pledge himself to never take a chance The great crusade for safety then would suddenly advance ( Origin uncertain)
Jump: A set of jump leads walks in to pub and orders a drink....The barman says OK I'll serve you but don't start anything!
Knitting: The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, wound down his window and said: Pull over!" "No" she replied "They're socks"
Liar: The police stopped a car being driven away from a pub. The driver said: "before you start, you need to know I don't have a driving licence, and there's a gun in the glove pocket." The policeman took a step back and the driver then said: "and my wife's body is in the boot." The policeman ran back to his car and returned with his Sergeant who said: "Now what's going on? My officer says you don't have a licence." "Yes I do" said the driver and produced his licence. "Have you a gun in the glove pocket?" "Certainly not" said the driver, showing an empty space "And what about your wife's body in the boot?" asked the Sergeant. "See for yourself" said the driver opening an empty boot, "and I suppose he also told you I have been drinking?"
Lift1: "Hello beautiful! Can I give you a lift?" "Are you going North?" "Yes, I am." "Well, give my love to the Eskimos." ^*
Lift2: So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Lines: What is the meaning of a yellow Line? No parking What is the meaning of a double yellow Line? No parking at all. What is the meaning of a red Line? No parking at all, at all.
Low Bridge:A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles; finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver puts his hands on his hips and says Got stuck, huh?" - The truck driver says "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
M25: Police stopped a car doing 25mph in lane 3 of the fast-flowing M25 and asked if there was a problem. The elderly lady driver said "No - it's labelled M25 so I am doing 25!" They then saw in the rear seat another lady apparently frozen in fear and asked if she was ill. The driver responded "No, but I've just been on the B124 when she went like that"
Making a breakfast: A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Microsoft: If Microsoft made cars.... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car 2. Occasionally your car would stop on the motorway for no reason and you would just accept this, re-start and drive on. 3. When executing a manoeuvre, your car would occasionally stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5% of the roads 6. Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make them run much slower. 7. The oil, fuel & alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general fault" light 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size behind 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash you would have no idea of what happened.
Motorway: A man was driving on the motorway when his wife rang him on his mobile phone. "Have you heard on the radio about the man who is driving the wrong way on the motorway?" She asked. "One man? There are hundreds" he replied.
Police Stop and Mud: Instructions on Japanese driving rules - At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him, otherwise disrespect him, Do not explosion the exhaust pipe. Avoid entanglement with your wheel spoke. Go soothingly on the grease mud as there lurks a skid demon.
Repairs: "I've had this car for over a year and I haven't paid a penny for repairs since the day I bought it." "So the man at the garage was telling me." ^*
Right-of-way: Here lies the body of old John Gray Who died defending his right-of-way, He was right - dead right - as he rolled along, But now he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong
Rusty: When you sold me this car you told me it was rust-free. Well, we didn't charge you for the rust, did we? ^*
Sign: Car sticker: This car may be old, but it's paid for and in front of you. ^^
Shot: A man parked his car next to another in which was sitting a woman, with her eyes closed and with hands behind her head, apparently asleep. When the man came back a while later he again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes now open. She looked very strange, so the man tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" She answered, "Help me, I've been shot in the head and I am holding my brains in." The man ran to a shop and called the Paramedics, who had to break into the car because the door as locked. When they got to her they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and, in her hands a bread making canister. Apparently it had exploded from the heat in the car with a loud bang, like a gunshot, so the woman jumped and hit her head. When she reached back, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her "brains" in!
Speedy youth: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," - the cop said. The kid replied- "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Taxi: It was the country yokel's first visit to the town. Following advice, he took a taxi from the railway station to his destination. He'd never been in a taxi before, let alone this grand Mercedes. He was astounded by the grandeur of the buildings, the volume of traffic, and the great number of people on the streets. Adjusting to his surroundings, he looked around inside the taxi and noticed a box with illuminated numbers on the dashboard. "Excuse me" he said to the driver. "What's that box on the dashboard for?" The driver replied, "That's the taxi meter. It tells me how much to charge you at the end of the journey". "That's wonderful, said the yokel. A few minutes later, a muffled voice appeared from somewhere near the driver, who then picked up something with his hand and talked back. "What on earth was that - is there someone hiding in the car?" asked the yokel. "No" said the driver, becoming irritated. It's a radio, the guy in the office can tell me where to pick up the next passenger." "That's quite fantastic" said the yokel, "I've never seen such a wonderful thing before." He settled down for a few minutes before noticing the three-pointed star on the bonnet of the taxi. "What's that circle with the three lines for on the bonnet?" he asked. Now thoroughly annoyed, the driver said: "That's a bit like a gunsight. If I look through it I can line the car up with any pedestrian who gets in my way and simply knock them off the road. Look, I'll show you." An elderly lady was then crossing the road ahead of him, her arms laden with shopping. The taxi driver dropped his head to the centre of the car, and eyed the "target" through the sight. He revved the engine and the taxi hurled towards its target, gaining speed, but at the very last second the taxi driver swerved to avoid her, but was shocked to hear a loud "bang" as he went past the old lady. He braked hard, looked in his mirror and was distraught to see the old dear lying in the road, her shopping scattered around. "Well I don't think much of your gunsight", said the yokel. "If I hadn't opened my door you would have missed her completely".
Terror: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Tree1: A tree is something that stands in the same place for 100 years then suddenly jumps out behind a reversing car. ^^
Tree2: A traffic policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver, behind a reversing car. "Ma'am, why were you weaving all over the road?" Oh officer" the woman replies "Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a terrible accident. "Swerving to avoid a tree I looked up to see another tree right in front of me, so I pulled the car over to the right and there yet again was another tree in front. The copper nods then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror. "Ma'am", he says patiently, "That's your air freshener". **
Waiting: A man is waiting impatiently in a restaurant lobby for his wife to collect him after an evening dining function. He is on the verge of ordering a taxi, thinking she has forgotten to collect him when she comes through the door looking flustered. "Where are on earth have you been?" He asks "You're an hour late! "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" she replied. The good news" says he. "Well the air bag works" is her answer!
Wales: (Has to be spoken) Q: How do you get two whales in a mini? A: Down the M4.
Wife: A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat. The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit" Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80" [He gives her a dirty look] Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light." Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for weeks." [He gives her another dirty look] Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and shouts: "Shut your mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?" Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."